We set rules in games to make sure everyone plays fair. The rules are their for a fair game. There has to be a clear winner and rules help define that winner. In life however it is not a game and there are no winners or losers, and fairness is determined by the rule giver. We do not need rules to define weather we win or lose. We win by just living our best life free of worry without focusing on the rules of how we or others should live their lives. When we set rules for ourselves and others, on how we should act, react and live we put ourselves in a losing situation. There are no winners when we have predetermined rules on interaction with ourselves and others. Our rules we set are based on our perceptions of how things should be. When we set rules, we are trying to have everyone fit into a certain mold. The reality is that everyone is different. Fitting us into a particular mold will only cause frustration for both sides, the rule maker and the player. In an early stage in our lives, we were fit into what our influencers called normal. We were taught that everyone that is normal must fit into this box. Ironically the normal looked a lot like our influencers. As we got older, we took our box, of what we thought of as normal and tried to shove everything in it. Even when we looked in our own mirrors, we saw that we did not fit into it as well. We became frustrated with ourselves, telling ourselves we were not normal, and we were imperfect. The sadness and frustration continued. We always lost our game because we either had to change to meet the expectations of the rules or push away others because they did not play our game. How many relationships we have lost because of the rules? We have to let go of the rules we impose on ourselves and others to truly live our lives not burden by losing. Our abundance is not measured in how you played the game. It is measured in how openly you lived. Letting go of the rules will free you to build relationships more deeply with others and yourself. So, how do we set ourselves free of our rules? First, we must challenge where the rules came from, we must look at ourselves and others as non-combatants and lastly, we must look at everyone as winners. If we can just try to do a little of these 3 items daily, we will begin to not be restrained by the rules and live a more abundant life in our relationships with ourselves and others.
Where did our rules come from? Through years of being told right and wrong by so many people we came to understand what was right and wrong based on the perceptions of others. Even when our image in the mirror gets distorted by these predetermined rules. When we are in relationships even with ourselves, we set the rules of you need to like this way and love this way. People are individuals so, how could any person be one type of way. The person in the mirror and the person in front of you are created imperfect and the rules of perfection were set by others who were imperfect themselves. So, when we look into that mirror or person, we need to remove the judgements we set upon them. We are not the referee holding the rules sacred. That person in front of you is them and they determine their lives. Challenge where these rules came from when they come into your head. Where did your rule of love must be being of service or be scared of everyone there are going to hurt you? Is it what you were taught or what you learned from your past relationships? Truth is that the person in front of you is different and those rules probably do not apply. Move past the rules to open your world to better relationships.
We have relationships daily in our lives, a spouse, employer, friends, and even strangers. When we interact with anyone, even in the smallest wave hello, we have just engaged in a relationship. We have joined the journey of their lives with ours, even in that split second. When we do form that relationship do we bring judgment or a predetermined response? What happens if they do not wave back? They did not wave back so; they must be hateful people, or they have to wave back to be nice that is what you are supposed to do. We tell ourselves we were just trying to be nice. We have set rules on them when we waved. What if we waved just to wave, did it make you feel good to be nice and we held no expectation of a wave back. We feel good and nothing can harm us from the feeling. Doesn’t that change how we feel about it? There are no rules or expectations. If the person waves back or doesn’t it have no bearing on our lives. You waved and maybe you made a difference in theirs but, that is how they perceive it. Their feelings are theirs and yours are yours. Going in with no expectations weighs less on us and causes no harm either way. The game of life does not have to have combatants. When you set rules, you are looking for a clear winner. The win is you feeling good to be you and you shared it. Weather it gets a response or not has no hold on your worth. You do not need to be validated for being a nice person for waving. You did it because you did and that felt good enough to validate you.
Life is not a game and we do not have opponents in relationships. We must treat every person as they are without predetermined outcomes. We need to apply no expectations in all our relationships. If you can let go of how your spouse reacts when you do something nice for them. Turn in a report (knowing you did your best) to your employer and not expect them to say great job. With no expectation of validation, you will not lose. You need to be validated by knowing you appreciate yourself for the efforts you do to make the relationships around you better. If you have internal validation, you will not need external. If you understand that you are not appreciated, you will be stronger to walk away because you can find that self-love you need to be appreciated. If you demand it, you have set an unrealistic rule that will sabotage the relationship. Appreciation should be from the heart and authentic. When we try to force it with rules it will not be authentic. Rules are not meant to be in relationships. They only cause tension in ourselves and others. There are no losers and people win when they can be their authentic selves without rules. Let go of the rules in relationships, even with yourself. The rules of others judgments and predetermined outcomes, do not work in your life. You are different and so are everyone else. Your mold was broken after you were born. Trying to fit others in it will only fail. Take time to challenge all the rules in your head. Know that there are no losers if we come from a place of no expectations. Your self-love is validated by knowing who you are. Relationships are key to us reaching our abundant life so, live it free of rules that hold us back to building those wonderful connections in our journey.